just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
