oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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