What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
