if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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