sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Randomize
