Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
The beer is more important than you right now.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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