I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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