Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
