Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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