I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
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