Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
