he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
