I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
