Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
