Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
