So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize