She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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