if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Randomize
