Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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