Moan for me like Helen Keller
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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