Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize