Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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