Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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