That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
