She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Randomize
