I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
