tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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