I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
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