Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
