omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
