Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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