no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize