its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
