omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
