i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
