The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
