I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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