Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize