I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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