Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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