my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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