There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
