He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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