I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
