Just cropdusted the office
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
