My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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