I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I want a musical about memes.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
