if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
