Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
