Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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