HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
