I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I want her autograph on my taint
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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