he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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