please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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