between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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