don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I'm just crazy horny about you
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
