Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
