The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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