Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Found the puke drawer
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
