i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
