I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
