Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
